Happy 3rd Birthday

You’re always in our thoughts.

2

Today is Malena’s birthday.

She would have turned 2.

I wish we had a better picture of her. Without the tube and tape.

We have some, but those we taken at the viewing. And that wasn’t our little girl anymore.

The past year has been harder for me than the first year was. I think having Tessa has put the loss of Malena in perspective. Now I know what we’re missing out on.

My feelings are so mixed. I know that it is better this way. It was good to have her with us for 2 days. And she fought so hard. But her life would have been too restricted had she survived. Letting her go and having her live through her last moments in our arms was one of the hardest but also most beautiful times of my life. I am sure Trevor feels the same.

There still are days that I think “I should have..” or “If I only…”. I am trying to let go of that. Because it might not have made a difference.

Many good things have happened since Malena passed away. We’ve learned how great our extended families are. They were there for us around the clock. We learned how many friends we have. We heard from people we hardly knew who had been through something similar. There are not enough Thank You’s to show our gratitude.

Trevor and I have gotten stronger together. We learned so much about each other.

And Tessa would probably not have been in our lives had Malena lived. Tessa is such a gift to all three of us.

This morning Will picked up Malena’s urn from the mantelpiece. He kissed it and gave it to Tessa. She of course tried to put it in her mouth. Will told her not to do that “Your sister is in there!”.

He is such a great brother. He still talks about Malena. How he misses her and how he wishes she would still be here.

And on her first birthday he asked for cupcakes. Because we should celebrate Malena.

So we will make cupcakes again today. To wish Malena a Happy Birthday!

Sweet dreams little girl, we miss you and love you lots!